When you look at the picture above what is your first thought? I imagine you think of a race track. What stands out to you?
My guess, is that you see a finish line. Makes sense considering you may be associating it with the checkered flag.
FUN FACT #2,107: The first known photograph of the checkered flag being used is from the 1906 Vanderbilt Cup race in Long Island, New York. It was believed to be used in the mid 19th century at horse races when the tablecloths, serving as flags, were waved to signify to racers the post race meal was ready to eat.
Ok, back to the picture at the top. The reality is, the line signifies both the start and the end to the race. No, this post isn’t about racing of which I have little experience, save my time behind the wheel of bumper cars on the Jersey boardwalk and a few go-kart outings growing up.
What I am wanting you to consider in this article are good intentions. Do you see good intentions as the starting line or the finish line?
There is a common question I get from individuals when they reach out at the start of the counseling process, especially from first timers. What is the efficacy of counseling? Does it work? My answer…it depends. And that is the truest way to answer it. I can do my part. And it is on you to do your part. Lots of people reach out to me with a strong desire for change. Voicing they really want things to be different in their lives. They schedule the first meeting, fill out the paperwork, and show up. They will jump in the deep end hungry for answers. They ask me very direct questions like, how do I address this specific relationship problem OR how do I get over my stress/anxiety OR how do I get over my struggles with self esteem? My response, I wish I could give you one magical thing to go do and this is the only conversation we would ever have. The reality is the answer is more complex than that. What you are wanting is good. It will also take time, commitment, action, and consistent effort to deliver the results. For some the first meeting is when their bubble bursts. For others, the bubble bursts later.
Some will hang around for a few sessions and then lose hope when they aren’t seeing immediate results. Some will stick around for longer and make a commitment to take action but not follow through. Some will stick around, make a commitment, take action, but their efforts waver as time goes on. The magic recipe is all four.
So what is the real reason we struggle with getting beyond good intentions? Try these four on for size.
Unrealistic Demands of Others
Lets be real, we live in a culture that is all about speed and immediate results. We often don’t want to wait minutes, let alone hours, days, weeks, months or even years to see results. We are frequently driven by instant gratification. When we look for others to live up to our demands and they don’t, what can be the result…we give up hope and walk away. We write someone off (think cancel culture). Perhaps we talk to ourselves, well I tried to be patient, right? This is where I ask, How much did you try? What all did you try? How many times did you try?
Then of course we can expect others to do it all for us. I remember working for Home Depot at the corporate office. It was the first major DIY (Do-It-Yourself) store, opening in 1978. When I worked there 3 decades later the DIY model began expanding into the area of DIFM (Do-It-For-Me). Note, I am not saying any form of DIFM is a cop out or an unrealistic demand of others. If you know me, you know I don’t deal in absolutes. I own I can not install my own A/C unit, so yes I’ll call a professional for that. That said, shirking responsibility, deflecting accountability and ownership all present problems. Then there is a growing sense of entitlement in our society. People reach out to me often citing their spouse, family member, friend, child(ren) as the problem. For parent concerned with their child’s technology use, do you let technology do the babysitting of your children or do you mind them? Who is the one who is setting the limits for your kids? Do you expect your kids to know better? Lord knows the advancements of technology is hard to keep up with. Is your answer to shrug your shoulders, cross your fingers, and hope for the best?
“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”
Unrealistic Demands of Ourselves
We hear all these external messages around us and we internalize them as our truth and they fuel our expectations of ourself. Perhaps we are even the originator of some of those expectations because we are trying hard to fit in, to measure up, to belong. We can set goals all day long, but are the goals we set SMART goals? Are we setting ourselves up for success or failure. If the latter, same story here. We try, we fail, we give up. Living up to our own demands is often relentless especially when the margins for error are razor thin.
Another challenge here is when we expect things to come easily for ourselves. Perhaps things were easy for us in the past, or in other areas of life. When we experience a setback we can begin to question our own ability. Whatever it may be, we don’t want to put in the time or the effort, because well…it is hard. This sort of fixed mindset acts like a steel bear trap that can us immobilized for years.
“Good intentions aren’t enough. They’re not meaningless, but - that’s where we have to start. Not where we end.”
“Good intentions are simply not enough. Our character is defined and our lives are determined not by what we want, say or think, but by what we do.”
Avoidance
The last obstacle to overcome is avoidance. We simply don’t try at all or try minimally. This is often driven by a fear of failing and/or shame. I have worked with guys for week, months, and even longer before they arrive at the point that they are ready to confront things things they are deeply ashamed of. It can be trauma related, but not always. We try to hide our insecurities and project the polished version of ourself.
Plenty of individuals I have worked with have difficulty acknowledging they are uncomfortable and don’t know how to do something. These overlaps with the fixed mindset. People can get trapped in discomfort for years. Expressing they feel overwhelmed to the point of stagnation can be difficult, and yet it remains necessary. For instance, how do I address my concerns with a loved one when they don’t listen to me? How do I go about bringing up challenges at the work place when I feel like it will just paint a target on my back? How do I stop doubting myself so much and start taking action? All these questions and more take tremendous courage to speak out. And often shame speaks it is weakness to share these things. So the answer is to keep doing the same thing.
“What one does is what counts. Not what one had the intention of doing.”
“Good intentions are not enough; commitment and sacrifice are necessary.”
Relying on Idea
It is very true that without brilliant ideas many brilliant inventions would not have come to pass. That said, we can get very easily get drawn into this way of thinking and get stuck. We can end up believing that our ideas or desire alone is sufficient. That potential equals output. In short, they aren’t the same. As a sports fan, how many NFL draft picks had tons of potential that never materialized on the field?
“The starting point of all achievement is desire.”
“Good intentions may be an appropriate starting point for achievement, but they will go nowhere unless you follow through with action. Many people confuse intentions with achievement; after all, it is the idea that is most important, they reason. In reality, the most mediocre idea acted upon is far more valuable than a flash of genius that resides only in your mind. Developing the habit of action may be difficult at first, but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.”
Life is challenging. It’s going to slam, bump, nudge, and rub you along the way. And we alone get to choose whether to pit or stay out on the track and keep racing. Race car drivers aren’t meant to do it alone, which is why they have a crew, a team to support them. The same goes for each and every one of us. Different people play different parts in our lives if we are willing to put ourselves out there. So can you get past the starting line of good intentions and run your race? And despite what Ricky Bobby might have to say on the matter, if you ain’t first, it doesn’t mean you’re last.
Days of Thunder - (first 30 secs)
Talladega Nights (7 secs)
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
