I’m all in (hmm, that holds new meaning in today's world)! Go big or go home (wait, we already established we're all already home with this COVID-19)! Leave everything on the field! It’s all or nothing!
“Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”
Any one of these phrases are common to many of us, especially as men. Whether it was on the sports field, in our friend groups, or in our business life, it is about giving it everything you have. Going all out. Leaving no stone unturned. We see it routinely in present day on the gridiron. It occurs over and over in the World Series of Poker when a guy pushes his chips into the middle of the table and declares, “All in!” He is being bold, brave, and perhaps a bit desperate - depending on his stack of chips. The tension mounts in anticipation of whether the opponent will, “Call” and inevitably who will come out on top. How about ‘88 baseball World Series when Kirk Gibson hobbles up to the plate to hit the game winning homerun, remember that? Do you recall the sage advice of Mr. Miyagi to Daniel in Karate Kid as the pair were set to embark upon their epic run toward the All Valley Karate Championships??
As men we are groomed from a young age to keep pushing forward. To suck it up. To bear down. To never give up. This way of thinking is definitely helpful in a great many situations - especially in choosing to walk on either the right or left side of the road versus the middle, as Mr. Miyagi wisely shared with Daniel Son. There are countless examples of where being bold, ascending higher, pushing oneself to the limit led to great things. History is full of these individuals as well as quotes, like the above and directly below. These men are revered and often idolized. So it begs the question, can it really be detrimental if this is adopted as a man’s worldview?
“Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go”
One of the common challenges that men face is navigating their emotions. Wait, let me clarify something first, yes men we have emotions. A full range of them in fact! The list common, “normal” emotions for men to have is fairly short. It includes: happy and mad. That list of feeling words can likely be expanded out to include: determined, excited, frustrated, angry, aggressive, proud, satisfied, optimistic, and even jealous. The lesser acceptable feelings for men to have that don’t make the cut include: sad, discouraged, anxious, confused, fearful, embarrassed, ashamed, cautious, helpless, and hurt. This is where, based on my counseling experience, the interpretation of the worldview “All in”, weighs heavily.
“Guys have a level of insecurity and vulnerability that’s exponentially bigger than you think. With the primal urge to be alpha comes extreme heartbreak. The harder we fight, the harder we fall.”
As men, with a foundational worldview of “All in!”, this powers/fuels us to achieve great things, which is fantastic! It also hamstrings us into absolute thinking in many ways. For example, when I meet with men the most common emotions I hear are the aforementioned “normal” or “acceptable” ones. To acknowledge any of the “lesser acceptable” emotions is often reported as a sign of weakness, and thus NOT being “All in”. For many guys being “All in” is far more than being resilient, it is about being tough, impenetrable, stoic. If a man waivers in being “All in” his foundation is unsettled. And comparing that to a home, with foundational problems the whole structure comes tumbling down.
“I wear my heart on my sleeve and that can hurt. To be vulnerable is an enriching way to live, but when it goes wrong it can be agonizing. But if you don’t open your heart to people, you end up being excluded from the rest of the world.”
If you recall in Karate Kid, prior to the final, Bobby from Cobra Kai is instructed to take out Daniel. Next thing we see is Daniel writhing in pain and crying as he is hurting badly. In the locker room, he turns to Mr. Miyagi from a place of vulnerability and shares what is troubling his mind and his heart. He goes “All in” in a different way by opening himself up. And need I remind you how it turned out for him in the end?
“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.”
So while all of us as men know we have these (“unacceptable”) emotions, is it any wonder that at the root is fear and a belief that we shouldn’t actually have them, and furthermore, allow them to be seen. Much of life then consists of the inner conflict of allowing ourselves to feel what we are actually feeling and living up to universal guy code of not having feelings. There is an alternative. Not allowing our fear to rule us. Learning to express ourselves in a healthy way. Going “All in” in a new way. Demonstrating a powerful resilience.
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When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear.... When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.”
Having the right person to do that makes all the difference. So who is that person you can go to? Who is that friend, loved one, or Mr. Miyago type, that you can allow to see all of you? So that from a place of vulnerability you can conquer your fears and discover true freedom!
